my hormones seem to be all over the place. The pills are helping to settle it somewhat but it's still there.I can be ecstatic one minute and bawling the next...since i started taking the pills i can be stable for hours at a time though so thats good, shame they taste so bad and are so big...it makes me gag having to take them.

I'm also getting the munchies and for weird things like cheese on ice cream which i have just finished and im still hungry. this is so not normal for me. normally by the time ive eaten what i have here tonight im bloated but here am i still hungry.

right now im at a chilled out stage. im somewhat cold but not too cold really. anyhows done rambling. tomorrow i go home to london and nick will pick me up at the airport which is nice of him as he is supposed to be working. for those not in the know, Nick is my brother.

Nick and my dad are going away on sunday for 12 days and so yeah i guess i shall be busy.

nuff said, i will update later

I really hate this. It's not fair but all I can do is just carry on the good fight. I'm sadly back on pills, non-px ones, won't catch me doing that, and hopinh they will do some good.

Maybe this means that, owing to more than usual relapses this year maybe next year i won't get any, that would be so awesome. Here's hoping.

BLAH

Today I restarted my excercise plan. I plan to walk for an hour a day, mon-fri, and do 1 or two sessions of 5 miles each on the bike every day. I also plan on going swimming at some ungodly hour of the morning once per week.

The reason I wont walk at the weekends is because of my dad and brother. But mostly my dad. He is THE most unsupportive, deragatory person when it comes to my efforts to lose weight. And yet, people I've never met in real life (Dimi, Jules, Nath, Kim) and those who live thousands of miles away and arent related to me (Cindy, Tina and Toni) are so damn supportive. I'm so glad I have my friends.

I wish Jay would be a bit more supportive of me in this. I explained how things are with me about this and he jsut doesn't want me hurting myself. I promised him I won't hurt myself. I really hope he learns to relax and be happy for me about this.

With the last remaining £10 I have i called dad this morning before my walk and said i was goign to get three trays of meat for $5 dealy at the butchers and did he want anything? He was delighted (yes he thinks i dont know that he LIED to nick about em not cleaning the bathroom) and said he wanted boneless pork chops. well they didnt have any in the dealy so i decided to buy seperatly, and they came to £4.08 and the three trays of meat it came to £9.08 and the wmoan gave me £1 change and so i went and bought 10 eggs over at shaheens.

The walk was nice. I passed this one jogger like 4 times lol. I took a few pictures to show cindy what its like in there. There was this one woman with a dog who asked me where the Northwold road exit was and I told her I didn't know, I was looking for it myself (this was about 50 minutes in) and he rambled on about how the same thing had happened to her the other day, she'd brought her dog in for an hour and looked for 90 minutes for the ext, going round and round in circles. then, she wandered off in the opposite direction to me, shouting out to noone in particular how it was ridiculous it was to have the exit so hidden LOL

Oh, and there's a "heros and heroines" walk toward the end of this month in there that I SO want to go on so I will get details of that. Anyways on monday i will try to remember to bring a pocketbottle of water with me to drink on my walk, cause i was parched lol.

I wish I could have gone to it but watching it on tv was great. I loved it when Rod Stewart sang "sailing" that's one of my fave songs. I can't wait to get back on the road and yet at the same time I've become once again too comfortable in my home setting. This time I'm going to try and fit in somewhere a trip down to Michigan when I'm "statestide"

Anyhows, short update but I DO, i REALLY REALLY REALLY do intend on writing every day.

Struggling with various factors that pull me back into depression...winning that battle and then I go down to collect the mail and whoppeee I have a letter from phyllis!!! (to those not in the know..one word for ya..stalker...who I thought I had finally got shot of since I had not heard from her in over a year now. But today brought another letter.

And tonight my Beloved Bindi, my rescued rabbit, passed away. my heart is in pieces. I know uit's so styupid to other people but That rabbit has helped me through so much and now she's gone. Yes I still have the cats, the chinchillas and Smartypants (cockatiel) of which the chinchillas bring me the greatest comfort....but Bindi is gone!!!! :(

And then we get a call from my snotty cousin saying my aunt is celebrating 50 years in the convent (she is a nun and she rocks my socks) and we're all invited. I love my aunt, as I said she rocks my socks and mayube if my other aunt Eileen is going too I could get to see her too, cause she also rocks my socks. The rest of my extended family really bites tho. Comments about my weight. Comments about how I didnt go to college and get a good paying job like the rest of the family. and in general nothing good to say about me. I'm not going. I shall make Muriel, my aunt, a nice something and write her a nice letter. but i can't face going.

*is just too gutted for words*